Why I hate being alone and why that’s NOT a bad thing

By: Bella Carbone

        I write this blog post, sitting home alone on a Friday night, just my computer screen and I. Typically, home on a Friday is not a big deal for me because I am with my girlfriend whom I live with. Staying at home is our own little heaven as we can enjoy all the activities, affection, and affirmation we love to partake in, in the privacy of our own home. Now, this friday night she has plans so, I am here left with my own presence. For some, this scenario may feel ideal as they could not wait to be left with just themselves. Yet, the aloneness I sit with is an isolating feeling that leads to negativity, depression, and anxiety. This is not how I always feel when I am alone. When it is a warm summer day and I wake and bake in the comfort of my empty home with no responsibilities but to walk my dog and swim in the pool, I can not wait for the feeling of an empty home. 

Alas, I must give a bit more context as that is when I am not in school, back at home with family, and doing long-distance with my girlfriend. At school, the loneliness is different. I am in a sea of people who I should be friends with, could be friend with, but I seem to struggle a bit. I have made friends here and there but no connections feel as real, deep, or vulnerable as the one I share with my girlfriend. She is and was my best friend even before we dated. She is a feminist, bad ass, radical chick and someone who I have always looked up to in my own feminist journey. She has taught me to love, accept, and be free with myself and body even before we ever were emotionally intimate. I know close-knit, feminist friendship exists out there and I know I am on the verge of gaining it so, the bubble of college culture does not make me feel shame for my pickiness in intimate and close relationships. I guess it is because I am a bit done with shallow, hegemonic relationships. I want liberatory, revolutionary friendships and connections in my life. I just feel like this city is not my place for that, and quite frankly I have come to terms with that. I will not turn away connections here because “I’ve made my mind up on this matter.” I simply no longer feel bad about myself for feeling like a sore thumb in settings where my girlfriend is not there. I think maybe it is my own anxiety or hyperawareness of your existence as someone who has always been fat and a bit loud but, sometimes I just sense my presence is not exactly welcomed or encouraged and I feel that way a lot of the time on my campus. Let me get back on topic (can’t you see why I hate being alone I go down holes like this and don’t have people around me to ground me), my aloneness in moments of my life with plenty of stressors; mental health disorder flare ups; and cold, dark winter days is a very lonely, unpleasant experience. At least on a freezing, dreary winter day I have my girlfriend to curl up with after a long day of class or work. 

        Some people may say what I have is a co-dependency problem or what not. But, I also like spending time with my siblings when I am home or my friends. I like being around people in my time and why is that a problem? They make me feel good to be with and I do not need to rely on technology or social media to self-soothe (altough sometimes I do). I enjoy the moments of fervent, intellectual conversations I have, the moments when I learn so much from or about another person. This capitalistic mentality of individualism is quite frankly bullshit. Even then, many men use financial capabilities to force companionship from women. In the wise words of Beyoncé “Everybody want somebody, everybody got somebody.” As human we crave to be with one another, to be intimate with one another (and not just physical or sexual intimacy). As a feminist, we preach community and collaboration as pillars of all we do because we all know it takes a village! Co-existence goes beyond even humanity, I want to be with animals and nature as well. Taking care of and spending time with all living creatures is what brings me fulfillment. I feel like as women sometimes we are naturally born caretakers and I have always felt that way in my life. I care so strongly for other life and lives. That’s what brings me passion and drives me, that is why I crave feminism, activism, and anti-capitalism. Community, collaboration, and co-existence is what is going to bring fulfillment, freedom, and peace. That is why I think it is okay to not want to be alone. I think we would be a lot more happier, healthier, and productive as a society if we spent less time alone and more time respectfully, consensually together. 

 I think it brings me a bit of irony to post this, but I also feel so free and clear of the funk I was feeling before I even started writing. So thank you blog for bringing me this little bit of serenity to my chaotic head space! I hope we can build a community in this online space where all people can feel free to be themselves and care for one another.